Austria's Diary

Austria's Diary~
Entry: One of many that had been put away in a drawer, long since to this day, forgotten.. or most likely..

    As I stood there in complete and utter isolation, as I stood there in desperate misconception toward that, that had previously occurred... I thought on what was to come. She hadn't come with me to the hospital, and I knew why, he needed her more, but did this mean that, she chose him? I'd always imagined a life without her would come, I imagined that it would happen quick, and painlessly, like pulling a band-aid from your flesh, yet, I had been wrong. Standing there on her porch, after being dismissed from the hospital with minimal injuries, I thought these things over, what if I were no longer welcome in her home? Had he been right? Did I have my chance with her?

   Though I'd constantly imagined life without her now, there was once a time I'd imagined it with her, I imagined her and I, together, waking up every morning to see one another's faces, aiding each other in any possible way we could. Yet, now, I didn't have that luxury, for our marriage had ended, causing me to turn dismal and cynical toward the entirety of thinking about her. I still loved her, and that I always would, but, things were different now, her heart had been broken, broken in half, and its something that shouldn't have to be shared. Something so beautiful should only belong to one, so that its entirety is not ruined.Therefore, if she loved him, that would be our goodbye, or last time sharing our hearts.

    I loved her.
  That's all I could think as I stood there on the porch.
    I loved her.
Trying desperately to say that I'd moved on, when there was a lingering sensation hanging in the back of my mind that told me well, I still loved her.
   

     Then I heard noises entering out from inside, into the blissfully cold air of the snow ridden day. I turned, looking through a window, through the small crevice where the curtains met. I saw her there, in the dining room, serving, him, talking to him, both of them smiling so warmly, to my disdain. Seeing them there like that, I knew, that was that, thus, I turned, and left.

    I wasn't sure where I was going, in all honesty, I didn't completely care where, as long as it was far from anyone I knew too well, for I didn't desire them seeing me in such a torn fashion, such a helpless manor. I found a park bench to lay on, and that I did, trying my best to stay warm under my thick coat and scarf, though shivering all the same, as the cold is a blistering, unforgiving intruder to one's being. I lay there for a good two hours, tossing, turning on that bench, unable to get any rest, as I knew I wouldn't. Finally I gave in and sat upright, snow slipping off me as I did so, only to be replaced by more.

     "Austria?"
   I flinched, I was caught, but by who? I hadn't had the time to recognize the voice through my shame and vast entangled thoughts of what I should do. My head turned slowly, terrified of who I would come into contact with, and there, dressed in the usual green, tacky tan trousers, carrying two packages tied closed with thin straw strings, was Ludwig.

   "What are you doing out in this cold?"
   He asked this with his typical German-style voicing, an irritant to my ears.

"Nothing, I was just out for a stroll..."
  "Must have been a long stroll then..."
"Excuse me?"
    I watched as his eyes darted away from me, toward the ground as though he could find his explanation there, as though it were some text book to solve all the conversational problems of one's life.
   "Its just... you're face is flushed a-and... well... you're covered in snow.."
  I knew I couldn't argue, he had gotten me, and now it was my turn to look away, to look down at the bench, a terribly rusted old thing it was. With a sigh, Ludwig stepped over and sat beside me, looking forward at the park before us, a park I hadn't really been aware to the existence of, until that night.

   We both sat there for some time, saying nothing to one another, yet, there was no awkward feel behind it, no broken sentiments left unsaid.
  "So... why are you out here?"
"I don't believe its any of your business but.. I just got out of the hospital..."
   "Ah... brother did come in rambling and gloating about what he'd done to you... I'm sorry about that all... but... why aren't you at Hungary's?"
    My heart skipped a beat at his words, and my teeth gritted against one another, those words, they were the ones that stung the worst. He looked at me, and, I felt so foolish, my glasses were fogging and hard as I try, a tear slipped from me and ran down my cheek in freedom. Yet, he didn't ask me on it, and I hoped he hadn't noticed.
   "Well..."
He got up from his seat and I inquired into watching him, waiting for him to finish the sentence that was so obviously cut off.
   "Lets go... you can stay at my place.. for now anyway.."
He didn't have to show such kindness, but, he did, and therefore, I started to stay at his place again. I'm sure he'd told Prussia by now, whom had most likely told her... but...

Now I dream when I'm awake, and I cry when I sleep, for my sleep is filled with the memories of someone gorgeous, someone I won't ever come close to loving outwardly again, though I can't stop loving her in my heart, not completely, even if I desperately wanted to, because;

I do Love her~